I suppose it's that time of the year again....
Let's see... I used to do Top Ten Songs, but I've stopped now. I always do a point-by-point round-up, but I've done a summary previously. I tweeted about doing a review of my top three albums, but I'm now lazy.
I guess this year, I've used up my rant quota. And you thought that'd never happen, eh? Every other time I'm here, I'm ranting. Everything about my life here is wrong. Everything about my life here is not working out right. Everything about my life here, I need to change. And there's no one else to rant to except on my blog.
2012 resolutions for Singapore - if one of these were to be actually seen through, maybe I wouldn't despise this place so much.
I guess also this year, I've used up my thank-you-god quota. I've been so blessed for so many good things, that I've lost count. These gifts helped me to get through the bad times, and helped me to have more faith. So, once again, THANK YOU GOD.
So, I suppose it's time to end this year with the hope and faith that 2012 will be just as smashing.
Off to watch/stream the countdown in Seoul!
A blog to put all about me online. My good days. My bad days. My experiences. My shortcomings. My dreams. My desires. Just one little glitch: true or false. Let's see who gets deluded.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
EXO
(Updated with latest teasers!)
(Why does KAI get SOOOOO many teasers?!)
(Ten teasers?! Seriously?! Losing interest!)
Okay, I am supposed to do an annual round-up thing before the year throws up in my face, but I cannot resist this!
SME is gonna debut a new boyband, and while I'm also anticipating the debut of BAP with Bang Yong Guk, I must say... these trailers with the new SM boyband members are addictive!!
The boys look alright, but they're waaaay too young to be fangirling over, I'll take SuJu over them any day. But! The music! The dancing!
Watch and judge for yourself.
(Why does KAI get SOOOOO many teasers?!)
(Ten teasers?! Seriously?! Losing interest!)
Okay, I am supposed to do an annual round-up thing before the year throws up in my face, but I cannot resist this!
SME is gonna debut a new boyband, and while I'm also anticipating the debut of BAP with Bang Yong Guk, I must say... these trailers with the new SM boyband members are addictive!!
The boys look alright, but they're waaaay too young to be fangirling over, I'll take SuJu over them any day. But! The music! The dancing!
Watch and judge for yourself.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Before the breakdown
The dreaded Monday morning. The dreaded, rainy Monday morning. The train is moving as slowly as it possibly can; after the subway breakdown fiasco last week, it had better.
The only thing I am glad for this morning is my decision to put on my boots instead of my sneakers.
I can't read my book because that would be inconsiderate - that extra space between my book and the next commuter could cost someone's ride to work.
The music alone is not enough. Korean songs make me wish I can understand the language better after two years of study. I must have been sleeping in class all this while.
So I was peering at someone's newspaper (c'mon, like you don't) and I read, "Are we becoming a template nation?"
My answer to this question, since I was 18, has always been a resounding, "Yes!"
And why would it not be?
People look at me as if I am an alien whenever I am in my boots. No one is interested in looking presentable, we just need what we wear to work in our hot and humid weather. Well, good luck with the puddles in those flats.
I take on a job I love and people discuss about my stupidity in settling for such a low salary. I hope you're happy taking orders from superiors who are not able to pen gramatically correct emails. And how come your salary can never seem to cover your expenses?
I am not bothered about my marital status but you have to point out that there must be somehing dreadfully wrong with me for no one to want to be with me. I am sorry your standards are so low. HDB and SDU can kiss my ass. Sorry I couldn't find better words to express my displeasure. At least I didn't use emoticons - those are for people who cannot express themselves, period.
I want to find myself a better future, away from the templates I have to use here. I want to build my identity, wear my boots and be accepted for being myself. You don't believe me and ask me why I am being selfish and silly.
Well, YOU are the very reason why I want to leave.
D-165
Time is getting short. I am starting to have some worries - did I really think I can do my masters in Korean - but I need to push on.
More, more, more rah-rah in my head and on this blog. I need to keep myself motivated.
And we know I am on my own for this one.
내가 제일 잘 나가.
The only thing I am glad for this morning is my decision to put on my boots instead of my sneakers.
I can't read my book because that would be inconsiderate - that extra space between my book and the next commuter could cost someone's ride to work.
The music alone is not enough. Korean songs make me wish I can understand the language better after two years of study. I must have been sleeping in class all this while.
So I was peering at someone's newspaper (c'mon, like you don't) and I read, "Are we becoming a template nation?"
My answer to this question, since I was 18, has always been a resounding, "Yes!"
And why would it not be?
People look at me as if I am an alien whenever I am in my boots. No one is interested in looking presentable, we just need what we wear to work in our hot and humid weather. Well, good luck with the puddles in those flats.
I take on a job I love and people discuss about my stupidity in settling for such a low salary. I hope you're happy taking orders from superiors who are not able to pen gramatically correct emails. And how come your salary can never seem to cover your expenses?
I am not bothered about my marital status but you have to point out that there must be somehing dreadfully wrong with me for no one to want to be with me. I am sorry your standards are so low. HDB and SDU can kiss my ass. Sorry I couldn't find better words to express my displeasure. At least I didn't use emoticons - those are for people who cannot express themselves, period.
I want to find myself a better future, away from the templates I have to use here. I want to build my identity, wear my boots and be accepted for being myself. You don't believe me and ask me why I am being selfish and silly.
Well, YOU are the very reason why I want to leave.
D-165
Time is getting short. I am starting to have some worries - did I really think I can do my masters in Korean - but I need to push on.
More, more, more rah-rah in my head and on this blog. I need to keep myself motivated.
And we know I am on my own for this one.
내가 제일 잘 나가.
Friday, December 16, 2011
The Last Goodbye
Ok, not exactly.
I think it is finally starting to sink in. It has been about three weeks since, and now that the decision's been made, the dates have been set, and the countdown as begun, I cannot help but try to mark every single event as the last one here.
I can't wait to get out of this place. As Bec put it yesterday - it is very suffocating for me to be here. I couldn't even find the right word when I was explaining to her yesterday why I wanted to "suffer".
The girl's so adorable. When I told her the news, she was so shocked, I think she put me back into shock.
"Who's gonna cook for you?"
"Who's gonna do the housework for you?"
And the big one, "Why do you want to put yourself through this?"
I was slightly taken aback beacause she knew I have been preparing for this for about a year and a half already.
But I guess it's nice to know someone will actually miss you when you're not around.
Today we will be having our annual Christmas party. I can't help but feel a little sad, cos it may very well be the last Christmas party I have here.
I've had a very good time here, and there isn't even a day that I wish I were working somewhere else other than here.
But other than the solace I can find from keying out orders, setting up promos and selling CDs at events, I must say, outside the office and my work, life here is, well, suffocating.
I'd want to rant more about the suffocation, but let's leave it at that today.
Today, I will try to like Christmas. It's the last one I'll be spending here, anyways.
Super Junior feat. Henry & Zhoumi - Santa U Are The One
PS The other thing that will make me like Christmas - all 11 boys in that video in a package with a huge ribbon, just for me. Muahaha. Imagine how much fun that will be. ;)
I think it is finally starting to sink in. It has been about three weeks since, and now that the decision's been made, the dates have been set, and the countdown as begun, I cannot help but try to mark every single event as the last one here.
I can't wait to get out of this place. As Bec put it yesterday - it is very suffocating for me to be here. I couldn't even find the right word when I was explaining to her yesterday why I wanted to "suffer".
The girl's so adorable. When I told her the news, she was so shocked, I think she put me back into shock.
"Who's gonna cook for you?"
"Who's gonna do the housework for you?"
And the big one, "Why do you want to put yourself through this?"
I was slightly taken aback beacause she knew I have been preparing for this for about a year and a half already.
But I guess it's nice to know someone will actually miss you when you're not around.
Today we will be having our annual Christmas party. I can't help but feel a little sad, cos it may very well be the last Christmas party I have here.
I've had a very good time here, and there isn't even a day that I wish I were working somewhere else other than here.
But other than the solace I can find from keying out orders, setting up promos and selling CDs at events, I must say, outside the office and my work, life here is, well, suffocating.
I'd want to rant more about the suffocation, but let's leave it at that today.
Today, I will try to like Christmas. It's the last one I'll be spending here, anyways.
Super Junior feat. Henry & Zhoumi - Santa U Are The One
PS The other thing that will make me like Christmas - all 11 boys in that video in a package with a huge ribbon, just for me. Muahaha. Imagine how much fun that will be. ;)
Monday, December 12, 2011
Wanderlust
wan·der·lust
noun
a strong, innate desire to rove or travel about
To think I've been harbouring wanderlust for the past year and a half.
Never thought I'd be one who'd want to travel. Never thought that I'd be bored staying still and being stable. Never thought I'd be one who wouldn't mind inconvenience and uncertainty.
I was going though my old blog posts (yup, time for that annual reflection), and sometimes it astounds me how much my dreams have changed in three to four short years.
Just before I graduated, I knew exactly where I wanted to be and what I wanted to be doing. I'm still sure of that, but now these expectations have been given wider interpretations.
Hard knocks keep your feet on the ground, I guess. They also force you keep re-thinking your expectations, so that you don't disappoint yourself.
It's a tad surreal to read through the entries from 2010, when I was just starting to play around with the idea of moving away from Singapore. Back then, I thought about the options that I could use to turn this idea into reality.
I documented the days I searched through the different universities and courses, trying to find one that was suitable. I whined about those who did not take me seriously, thinking that this was a phase I was going through to gain attention.
I filtered out the negative thoughts and soldiered on, continuing with my plans and Korean language classes, not really knowing if what I was doing was the right thing or if I was just being plain silly.
But I've learnt to accept that there is only one constant in my life that I can depend on: CHANGE.
Yup, those coins jingling and jangling in your pocket, cos I always need them to buy my brekkie in the morn.
Haha, bad joke.
Anyways, you never know what's gonna hit you next, and you can never be fully prepared for anything. So let's just take what comes, deal, and move on.
I've been extremely fortunate this year. Yes, there were a number of huge boo-boos this year, but at the same time, God has been so kind to bless me and my family so much this year.
- Our house is now as pretty as it can be, we've had enough money to renovate it to our liking, even though the process was a bitch and it was a chore trying to get used to the new changes in our home. We've still got a number of things to buy, but those will have to be one at a time.
- My sister has graduated from university! It wasn't an easy thing for her, since she took a year off her studies, and as a result she was not able to gain entry to any of the local universities. But now that's all good and done with, here's to better things for her and for her future! <3
- Even though my uncle's restaurant in Thailand didn't take off, God blessed us with a wonderful windfall to help us tide the storm over. It was unexpected, and we're deeply grateful for this. And I have faith that in this new storm that we're facing, God will surely continue to be with us to help us again. Of course, nothing works by just praying, and we're doing our best to make sure that we'll be alright.
- I've had unbelievable luck to be able to travel so many times since I graduated. This year alone, I was able to visit Taiwan and Korea. Korea twice, too. Travelling means so much more to me than shopping, eating and being a tourist. Though my travelling experiences are limited, I believe my mind has been opened up by the many different sights, smells and sounds from places so different than what I am used to. I am thankful to be able to have discovered so many new things - they, in turn, have fuelled my desire to get out of my comfort zone.
- As soon as I got back from Korea in April last year, I made the decision that I wanted to experience life there. Since then, it has been more than one and a half years' of preparation. Decisions were made, researched was done, plans and letters were written. I didn't hope for much, and I still harbour some self-doubt. Will I be able to live on my own? Will I be able to adapt? Will I be worse off there than I already am here? Will I like snow? Questions with no answers now, but perhaps in six months' time I will be able to formulate some conclusions. I've got just the winter song while waiting, too!
Super Junior - Snow White
(C'mon, don't tell me you didn't see that coming!)
It may only be five items long, but that blessings list represents an infinitesimal amount of joy.
The biggest lesson I've learnt this year? I've come to realise that I need to only fight the battles I can win. That way, I will never lose. Muahaha.
And so, with that thought, I will continue soldiering on in 2012.
Thank you again, God, for the blessings you have showered upon us in 2011. Please continue to watch over us in 2012.
noun
a strong, innate desire to rove or travel about
To think I've been harbouring wanderlust for the past year and a half.
Never thought I'd be one who'd want to travel. Never thought that I'd be bored staying still and being stable. Never thought I'd be one who wouldn't mind inconvenience and uncertainty.
I was going though my old blog posts (yup, time for that annual reflection), and sometimes it astounds me how much my dreams have changed in three to four short years.
Just before I graduated, I knew exactly where I wanted to be and what I wanted to be doing. I'm still sure of that, but now these expectations have been given wider interpretations.
Hard knocks keep your feet on the ground, I guess. They also force you keep re-thinking your expectations, so that you don't disappoint yourself.
It's a tad surreal to read through the entries from 2010, when I was just starting to play around with the idea of moving away from Singapore. Back then, I thought about the options that I could use to turn this idea into reality.
I documented the days I searched through the different universities and courses, trying to find one that was suitable. I whined about those who did not take me seriously, thinking that this was a phase I was going through to gain attention.
I filtered out the negative thoughts and soldiered on, continuing with my plans and Korean language classes, not really knowing if what I was doing was the right thing or if I was just being plain silly.
But I've learnt to accept that there is only one constant in my life that I can depend on: CHANGE.
Yup, those coins jingling and jangling in your pocket, cos I always need them to buy my brekkie in the morn.
Haha, bad joke.
Anyways, you never know what's gonna hit you next, and you can never be fully prepared for anything. So let's just take what comes, deal, and move on.
I've been extremely fortunate this year. Yes, there were a number of huge boo-boos this year, but at the same time, God has been so kind to bless me and my family so much this year.
- Our house is now as pretty as it can be, we've had enough money to renovate it to our liking, even though the process was a bitch and it was a chore trying to get used to the new changes in our home. We've still got a number of things to buy, but those will have to be one at a time.
- My sister has graduated from university! It wasn't an easy thing for her, since she took a year off her studies, and as a result she was not able to gain entry to any of the local universities. But now that's all good and done with, here's to better things for her and for her future! <3
- Even though my uncle's restaurant in Thailand didn't take off, God blessed us with a wonderful windfall to help us tide the storm over. It was unexpected, and we're deeply grateful for this. And I have faith that in this new storm that we're facing, God will surely continue to be with us to help us again. Of course, nothing works by just praying, and we're doing our best to make sure that we'll be alright.
- I've had unbelievable luck to be able to travel so many times since I graduated. This year alone, I was able to visit Taiwan and Korea. Korea twice, too. Travelling means so much more to me than shopping, eating and being a tourist. Though my travelling experiences are limited, I believe my mind has been opened up by the many different sights, smells and sounds from places so different than what I am used to. I am thankful to be able to have discovered so many new things - they, in turn, have fuelled my desire to get out of my comfort zone.
- As soon as I got back from Korea in April last year, I made the decision that I wanted to experience life there. Since then, it has been more than one and a half years' of preparation. Decisions were made, researched was done, plans and letters were written. I didn't hope for much, and I still harbour some self-doubt. Will I be able to live on my own? Will I be able to adapt? Will I be worse off there than I already am here? Will I like snow? Questions with no answers now, but perhaps in six months' time I will be able to formulate some conclusions. I've got just the winter song while waiting, too!
Super Junior - Snow White
(C'mon, don't tell me you didn't see that coming!)
It may only be five items long, but that blessings list represents an infinitesimal amount of joy.
The biggest lesson I've learnt this year? I've come to realise that I need to only fight the battles I can win. That way, I will never lose. Muahaha.
And so, with that thought, I will continue soldiering on in 2012.
Thank you again, God, for the blessings you have showered upon us in 2011. Please continue to watch over us in 2012.
Thursday, December 08, 2011
Because this week has been unbearably slow
Okay.
I am bored. Not to tears, but very close to.
I am not sure what's causing this lack of motivation:
- I won't be here much longer cos I'm moving away
- I won't be here much longer cos I'm dispensible
- PMS
Scratch the last one. When I get PMS, I eat. I get unexplainable mood swings. I don't stop working.
Anyways, since I've been back from Seoul, I find that my motivation level here has reached an all-time low.
I don't really want to go to work anymore. Now, more than ever, do I not want to be here anymore.
I guess poeple would call this post-travel depression. But I think my lack of motivation can be more closely attributed to what I discovered last week.
Well, it isn't really a discovery per se. I saw it coming.
But anyways...
One more hour before I get outta here.
--------------------
Okay, so that was yesterday. I didn't have the motivation to complete the post.
Today, time is still dragging, but nothing like SuJu to pick me up from the doldrums!
It's still a long way to go till February, but we're so excited already!
Super Show 4 Singapore!!
Haha, it's gonna be a par-taaaay!
But first, SS4 Japan this weekend and SS4 Taiwan first.
One thing I'm not so excited about - they're probably gonna perform their new Japanese single, Snow White at SS4 Japan! No first dibs for me!
Here's the audio anyway:
It's nothing fantastic - no production breakthrough, no special effects, just a really pretty melody.
It's one of those songs that set girls' hearts a-flutter. Which is all well and good, since that's what nine good-looking boys are meant to do. Haha.
I need to get those Japanese lyrics translated! Grr.
--------------------
In other news, I got a teeny bit of bad news this morning. It is not devastating, and it doesn't change anything, but I guess whenever you're told you didn't succeed in something, a tiny bit of you is bound to feel sad.
Oh wells, no matter!
Like I said, it's not a loss, and nothing has or will change because of it!
---------------------
And then, in the late afternoon of the day, my eye zooms on this anti-kpop article published in The Straits Times.
The writer is trending on Twitter (Singapore) as I am typing this.
I think it is a well-written piece, and her vocabulary is wide, but a tad presumptuous.
She got her facts right too - the slave contracts and the crazy fans. FYI, I refuse to fanchant and I don't keep beat to a song with a lightstick. I sing along, dance, sway, just like I would at any other concert. I am willing to spoil a fan project - and I've done it before.
Sidetrack: A fan project is a, well, project, that has been planned by the fans merticulously so that at a certain point in time in a song, everyone in the audience seated in a certain area does something to exhibit something to the performers. For example, the fan project I spoilt - those seated in my area at SS3 SG were asked to hold up a sign that read, "Happy birthday, Kyuhyun!" when he was singing his solo. The effect would be to move him to tears. I refused, so guess there was a hole in the formation.
Back to the meat: But I think the writer needs to look deeper into her subject matter - there is a lot more that we can learn from the Korean music industry than pure fabrication. Marketing strategies, training methods, artiste management, production techniques, etc. And might I add, that fabrication alone, would save the music markets of the rest of the world.
See what Lee Soo Man would say about fabrication, excuse me, I mean, Culture Technology
But even more important than me ranting about this article is the thought, "Straits Times got nothing else to print is it?!"
It is a good opinion piece, but it belongs in a blog. Unless ST wants to turn itself from news source into blog, I say that the editors at ST are seriously lacking editorial foresight. Take a cue (clue?) from NYT, please.
Anyways, that's enough rant for the day. I've still got dinner to go to later. Need to save my energy.
I am bored. Not to tears, but very close to.
I am not sure what's causing this lack of motivation:
- I won't be here much longer cos I'm moving away
- I won't be here much longer cos I'm dispensible
- PMS
Scratch the last one. When I get PMS, I eat. I get unexplainable mood swings. I don't stop working.
Anyways, since I've been back from Seoul, I find that my motivation level here has reached an all-time low.
I don't really want to go to work anymore. Now, more than ever, do I not want to be here anymore.
I guess poeple would call this post-travel depression. But I think my lack of motivation can be more closely attributed to what I discovered last week.
Well, it isn't really a discovery per se. I saw it coming.
But anyways...
One more hour before I get outta here.
--------------------
Okay, so that was yesterday. I didn't have the motivation to complete the post.
Today, time is still dragging, but nothing like SuJu to pick me up from the doldrums!
It's still a long way to go till February, but we're so excited already!
Super Show 4 Singapore!!
Haha, it's gonna be a par-taaaay!
But first, SS4 Japan this weekend and SS4 Taiwan first.
One thing I'm not so excited about - they're probably gonna perform their new Japanese single, Snow White at SS4 Japan! No first dibs for me!
Here's the audio anyway:
It's nothing fantastic - no production breakthrough, no special effects, just a really pretty melody.
It's one of those songs that set girls' hearts a-flutter. Which is all well and good, since that's what nine good-looking boys are meant to do. Haha.
I need to get those Japanese lyrics translated! Grr.
--------------------
In other news, I got a teeny bit of bad news this morning. It is not devastating, and it doesn't change anything, but I guess whenever you're told you didn't succeed in something, a tiny bit of you is bound to feel sad.
Oh wells, no matter!
Like I said, it's not a loss, and nothing has or will change because of it!
---------------------
And then, in the late afternoon of the day, my eye zooms on this anti-kpop article published in The Straits Times.
The writer is trending on Twitter (Singapore) as I am typing this.
I think it is a well-written piece, and her vocabulary is wide, but a tad presumptuous.
She got her facts right too - the slave contracts and the crazy fans. FYI, I refuse to fanchant and I don't keep beat to a song with a lightstick. I sing along, dance, sway, just like I would at any other concert. I am willing to spoil a fan project - and I've done it before.
Sidetrack: A fan project is a, well, project, that has been planned by the fans merticulously so that at a certain point in time in a song, everyone in the audience seated in a certain area does something to exhibit something to the performers. For example, the fan project I spoilt - those seated in my area at SS3 SG were asked to hold up a sign that read, "Happy birthday, Kyuhyun!" when he was singing his solo. The effect would be to move him to tears. I refused, so guess there was a hole in the formation.
Back to the meat: But I think the writer needs to look deeper into her subject matter - there is a lot more that we can learn from the Korean music industry than pure fabrication. Marketing strategies, training methods, artiste management, production techniques, etc. And might I add, that fabrication alone, would save the music markets of the rest of the world.
See what Lee Soo Man would say about fabrication, excuse me, I mean, Culture Technology
But even more important than me ranting about this article is the thought, "Straits Times got nothing else to print is it?!"
It is a good opinion piece, but it belongs in a blog. Unless ST wants to turn itself from news source into blog, I say that the editors at ST are seriously lacking editorial foresight. Take a cue (clue?) from NYT, please.
Anyways, that's enough rant for the day. I've still got dinner to go to later. Need to save my energy.
Tuesday, December 06, 2011
Friday, December 02, 2011
Say Goodbye
I guess life is like that - you get a really high high, and then you're presented with a really low low.
I'm playing my Soothe Your Soul playlist right now, and there can only be two reasons I'm playing it - I have a lot of work to do and I need soothing music accompaniment, or I'm depressed.
Today it's the latter.
And it kinda ties in with the high I blogged about a few days ago, which makes everything a bummer. Or not, I dunno.
There have been a lot of instances where I've felt like I don't matter to anyone. And while I've been able to brush this aside pretty damn well (aside from me ranting here, of course), it doesn't mean that it doesn't affect me at all.
So, every once in a while (okay every single time) I feel like I've been used and underappreciated, I rant. Here.
This outlet has served me well and good so far. So here goes.
For three years, I've put in my hard work, but today it seems like I've been made a clown for it. I've been fighting for what I believe I deserve, but somehow, I guess I've wasted all that time fighting. Because it was not enough.
It was never enough in the first place. I tried to grow and develop, I tried to expand and diversify and while I have been given little opportunities here and there, everything can be taken away from me with one simple decision.
It's just business. I get it. I'm ruthless too. But I cannot help but feel angry. It's a natural reaction, I suppose.
Angry at the situation, of which I have no control over. My voice doesn't make a significant enough difference, you see. (And that is why my life's goal is to always make sure that I make a difference.)
Angry at myself, because I'm wondering if I have made a wise decision for myself three years ago. I have learnt some, but I have always been hungry for more. What can I say? I'm very ambitious, and I am very confident of myself. Did my decision allow me growth? Was I silly to put faith in that decision and then to hope for the best?
The thing is, we never know what the future holds, so we have to go with the flow. Whatever comes, we have to deal with it.
But I've been getting very tired of ranting like this lately. Ok fine, for some time now.
I'm not being heard. I'm simply taking my displeasure out on a keyboard and screaming at a computer screen that won't answer me nor give me any solutions or lend some much-needed comforting words.
And so here it comes.
The good news for me is that I am getting away from everything - from the fake concern, from the pathetic attempts of pats on my back, telling me things like, "Your time will come." and "It's not as wonderful where I'm at, like you think". Away from the schemes of the leaders trying to mask supremacy attempts with weak gibberish. Away from this painted picture of green fields that only allows space for people who are colourblind and can only accept green.
Sometimes I don't even know if I should be happy with what I can get, or if I should fight for what is right.
The bad news is that I suddenly feel like I handed my self-worth on a platter to everything I was fighting against. I feel like "Goodbye" will be met with "Who cares?"
And while I've prepared myself for that reply, again, it doesn't mean that it will not affect me at all.
The statement I wanted to make with my goodbye now feels like an effort in vain.
Perhaps I'm thinking too much. It is December, after all. The month I loathe the most, because it is the month when the fake make their comeback in the worst way possible - gifts and wishes to everyone and anyone just because.
But my intuition is always right. Always.
만약 외롭다고 느낀다면 뒤돌아봐요
지금 혼자라서 슬프다면 뒤돌아 봐요
니가 힘들때나 슬플때
외로워 할때도 또 이별 앓고서
아파할때도 니 눈물 닦아준
D-182
I'm playing my Soothe Your Soul playlist right now, and there can only be two reasons I'm playing it - I have a lot of work to do and I need soothing music accompaniment, or I'm depressed.
Today it's the latter.
And it kinda ties in with the high I blogged about a few days ago, which makes everything a bummer. Or not, I dunno.
There have been a lot of instances where I've felt like I don't matter to anyone. And while I've been able to brush this aside pretty damn well (aside from me ranting here, of course), it doesn't mean that it doesn't affect me at all.
So, every once in a while (okay every single time) I feel like I've been used and underappreciated, I rant. Here.
This outlet has served me well and good so far. So here goes.
For three years, I've put in my hard work, but today it seems like I've been made a clown for it. I've been fighting for what I believe I deserve, but somehow, I guess I've wasted all that time fighting. Because it was not enough.
It was never enough in the first place. I tried to grow and develop, I tried to expand and diversify and while I have been given little opportunities here and there, everything can be taken away from me with one simple decision.
It's just business. I get it. I'm ruthless too. But I cannot help but feel angry. It's a natural reaction, I suppose.
Angry at the situation, of which I have no control over. My voice doesn't make a significant enough difference, you see. (And that is why my life's goal is to always make sure that I make a difference.)
Angry at myself, because I'm wondering if I have made a wise decision for myself three years ago. I have learnt some, but I have always been hungry for more. What can I say? I'm very ambitious, and I am very confident of myself. Did my decision allow me growth? Was I silly to put faith in that decision and then to hope for the best?
The thing is, we never know what the future holds, so we have to go with the flow. Whatever comes, we have to deal with it.
But I've been getting very tired of ranting like this lately. Ok fine, for some time now.
I'm not being heard. I'm simply taking my displeasure out on a keyboard and screaming at a computer screen that won't answer me nor give me any solutions or lend some much-needed comforting words.
And so here it comes.
The good news for me is that I am getting away from everything - from the fake concern, from the pathetic attempts of pats on my back, telling me things like, "Your time will come." and "It's not as wonderful where I'm at, like you think". Away from the schemes of the leaders trying to mask supremacy attempts with weak gibberish. Away from this painted picture of green fields that only allows space for people who are colourblind and can only accept green.
Sometimes I don't even know if I should be happy with what I can get, or if I should fight for what is right.
The bad news is that I suddenly feel like I handed my self-worth on a platter to everything I was fighting against. I feel like "Goodbye" will be met with "Who cares?"
And while I've prepared myself for that reply, again, it doesn't mean that it will not affect me at all.
The statement I wanted to make with my goodbye now feels like an effort in vain.
Perhaps I'm thinking too much. It is December, after all. The month I loathe the most, because it is the month when the fake make their comeback in the worst way possible - gifts and wishes to everyone and anyone just because.
But my intuition is always right. Always.
만약 외롭다고 느낀다면 뒤돌아봐요
지금 혼자라서 슬프다면 뒤돌아 봐요
니가 힘들때나 슬플때
외로워 할때도 또 이별 앓고서
아파할때도 니 눈물 닦아준
D-182
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